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Friday, January 28, 2011

If the world was a stage, I want to be the one operating the trap door.

I'd rather believe in the Bible, because instead of holding onto the biblical view that we are made in the image of God, we have come to realize that we are made in the image of monkeys... And I really don't see how that's flattering.

Consistency is only a virtue if you're not a screw up.

You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named 'Bush', 'Dick', and 'Colon'.

All the world's a stage and most of us are desperately unrehearsed.

Life is so unlike theory.

Personally, I don't think there's intelligent life on other planets. Why should other planets be any different from this one?

Life is wasted on the living.

Life... is like a grapefruit. It's orange and squishy, and has a few pips in it, and some folks have half a one for breakfast.

To be in love is merely to be in a state of perceptual anesthesia.

Love has the power of making you believe what you would normally treat with the deepest suspicion.

No man is truly married until he understands every word his wife is NOT saying.

To deny, atone, or beg for forgiveness is the arrogance of those who did the killing.

Youth is a malady of which one becomes cured a little every day. He’s turned his life around. He used to be depressed and miserable. Now he’s miserable and depressed.

An optimist is someone who falls off the Empire State Building, and after 50 floors says, 'So far so good!'

To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the project manager, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be. Realists know that someone will have to wash the glass.

Join The Army, Visit exotic places, meet strange people, then kill them.

A consultant is someone who takes a subject you understand and makes it sound confusing.

If you can't see the bright side of life, polish the dull side.

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Winners never fly higher than when they're bouncing up and down on the egos of those they defeat.

God is a comedian, playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.

It’s true that we don’t know what we’ve got until we lose it, but it’s also true that we don’t know what we’ve been missing until it arrives.

Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?

If you want to look young and thin, hang around old fat people.

Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk,my first instinct is to laugh.But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me.Then it wouldn’t seem quite so funny.

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?

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How can you tell if you're a good writer

-If you talk to yourself
-If you talk to yourself about talking to yourself
-If, when you talk to yourself, you sometimes speak as if talking to another person(Have you noticed that the word 'deliver' might mean removing someone's liver?)
-If you live off of sugar and caffeine
-If people notice that you check you're e-mail every day for a week, then suddenly disappear of the face of the planet
-If your e-mails are pages long and extremely random
-If when replying to someone's e-mail, you're sometimes so random that you fail to address the original message altogether
-If the letters are starting to wear off on the keys of your keyboard
-If people think you might have A.D.D
-If you think it would be cool having A.D.D
-If you start constantly talking in third person, past tense
-If you think about making lists like this and start giggling for no apparent reason
-If your friends don't even bother to look funny at you anymore when you start giggling for no apparent reason
AND finally, the number one way to tell if you're a good writer: If you worship English 101