The more I see of men, the more I like dogs.

Love is temporary insanity curable by marriage.

Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to get you.

I'm not paranoid! Which of my enemies told you this?

I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours.

Maturity, maturity, wherefore art thou maturity?! Deny thy intelligence, and refuse thy age...! Or, if thou wilt not, all but come to me, sweet, and I'll help thee plead insanity...

I am a writer. I can deny all the realities I want.

Where there's a will, there are five hundred relatives.

Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use.

I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved by a suitable application of high explosives.

Tell me what you need and I'll tell you how to get along without it.

My Reality Check bounced.

Aliens smart enough to visit Earth are smart enough to know not to.

Y'know what? I don't like reality. I think I'll move back into my own little world.

I'm not insane. My reality is just different than yours.

Laugh now, mortal; but just remember -- everything is edible.

Hey! I'm insane, not stupid!

Madness does not always howl. Sometimes, it is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, "Hey, is there room in your head for one more?"

Mothers of teens know why some animals eat their young.

Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your kids.

Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.

The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.

Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your kids.

Jou ate my homework. =(

Do it later - the early worm is for the birds.

Creativity helps artists die young, miserable, and penniless - so their art can have meaning to the old, satisfied, and obscenely rich.

There is no greater joy than soaring high on the wings of your dreams, except maybe the joy of watching a dreamer who has nowhere to land but in the ocean of reality.

Economics -- the science of explaining tomorrow why the predictions you made yesterday didn't come true today.

Elitism -- It's lonely at the top, but it's comforting to look down upon everyone at the bottom.

I think the worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades...or a game of fake heart attack.

Men will confess to treason, murder, arson, false teeth, or a wig. How many of them will own up to a lack of humor?

I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them, and you have their shoes.

I don’t suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.

Death is hereditary.

My mind is like a steel trap - rusty and illegal in 37 states.

You'll always miss 100 of the shots you don't take, and, statistically speaking, 99 of the shots you do.

There is an island of opportunity in the middle of every difficulty. Miss that, though, and you're pretty much doomed.

Success is a journey, not a destination. So stop running.

I'm a paranoid apathiest. I know someones out to get me i just don't care.

Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75 of the world's population.

If you're headed in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns.

When life gives you lemons, you’d better wait for it to give you some sugar first or else you’ll have some really nasty-tasting lemonade.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

Say what you will about the Ten Commandments, you must always come back to the pleasant fact that there are only ten of them.

The beauty of the world has two edges, one of laughter, one of anguish, cutting the heart asunder.

An expert is one who tells you a simple thing in a confused way in such a fashion as to make you think the confusion is your own fault.

The things that come to those who wait, may be the things left by those who got there first.

I think we consider too much the good luck of the early bird and not enough the bad luck of the early worm.

In order to get the handsome prince, you have to kiss a lot of toads.

If the world was a stage, I want to be the one operating the trap door.

I'd rather believe in the Bible, because instead of holding onto the biblical view that we are made in the image of God, we have come to realize that we are made in the image of monkeys... And I really don't see how that's flattering.

Consistency is only a virtue if you're not a screw up.

You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named 'Bush', 'Dick', and 'Colon'.

All the world's a stage and most of us are desperately unrehearsed.

Life is so unlike theory.

Personally, I don't think there's intelligent life on other planets. Why should other planets be any different from this one?

Life is wasted on the living.

Life... is like a grapefruit. It's orange and squishy, and has a few pips in it, and some folks have half a one for breakfast.

To be in love is merely to be in a state of perceptual anesthesia.

Love has the power of making you believe what you would normally treat with the deepest suspicion.

No man is truly married until he understands every word his wife is NOT saying.

To deny, atone, or beg for forgiveness is the arrogance of those who did the killing.

Youth is a malady of which one becomes cured a little every day. He’s turned his life around. He used to be depressed and miserable. Now he’s miserable and depressed.

An optimist is someone who falls off the Empire State Building, and after 50 floors says, 'So far so good!'

To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the project manager, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be. Realists know that someone will have to wash the glass.

Join The Army, Visit exotic places, meet strange people, then kill them.

A consultant is someone who takes a subject you understand and makes it sound confusing.

If you can't see the bright side of life, polish the dull side.

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Winners never fly higher than when they're bouncing up and down on the egos of those they defeat.

God is a comedian, playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.

It’s true that we don’t know what we’ve got until we lose it, but it’s also true that we don’t know what we’ve been missing until it arrives.

Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?

If you want to look young and thin, hang around old fat people.

Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk,my first instinct is to laugh.But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me.Then it wouldn’t seem quite so funny.

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?