...Oh...I didn't do as well as I thought I would on that quiz...I'll do better on our Finals...wait...what did you say?...THAT was our Finals Test? You mean...it wasn't just a quiz? ...Crap.

I may be a cruel heartless bastard…but I sure am good at it

Has anyone ever noticed that “studying”, is “student” and “dying” put together?

You are 90 percent of the reason I get up in the morning. The other 10 percent is because I have to go pee.

Dear Santa, I’m just writing to say that YES, I have been naughty this year. And I’m proud of it, you fat judgmental bastard.

Friends are like potatoes…if you eat them…they DIE

My friends are cooler than giraffes. And giraffes, they’re cool.

Therapy helps, but screaming obscenities is cheaper.

If you have insanely annoying siblings copy and paste this on your profile

If you have your own little world, copy and paste this on your profile

If your profile is long, copy this onto it to make it even longer

A best friend is a friend you can call in the middle of the night and say you murdered someone and they'd ask where to hide the body.

Ok then, do it, but don't come running to me when you've broken both of your legs.

It's always the darkest before dawn. So if you're gonna steal your neighbor's paper, that's the time to do it.

I do whatever my rice crispies tell me to do.

I fear that one day I'll meet God. He'll sneeze and I won't know what to say.

Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it every 6 months.

God put me on Earth to accomplish a certain amount of things. Right now I'm so far behind I'll never die.

What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull.

We had gay burglars last night. They broke in and re-arranged all the furniture.

Sometimes, it's the one you notice the least, that loves you the most.
Sometimes, it's the one you see the least, who understands you the most.
Sometimes, it's the one who says the least, who has the most to say.

You! With the hair nicer than mine! Off my planet!

I like cats too. Let's exchange recipes.

One by one the penguins steal my sanity.

Girly1: When I get older I'm gonna kill a million Jews and one clown. Girly2: Why one clown? Girly1: See? You don't care about the Jews!

The police never think its as funny as you do.

If it weren't for physics and law enforcement, I'd be unstoppable.

I'm in shape. Round is a shape

Stupid people make me wanna kill someone.

My imaginary friend doesn't like you either.

I'll be rich and famous when I invent something that will stab people over the internet

To put it nicely, I hope you choke.